Finals Season: The End of a Semester and My Observations

 Hello Babaji,

I hope you are doing well. As you know, my winter break has officially begun. With that being said, I still am overcome by the stress of the semester. Finals season was just awful. Paper after paper, final after final- I was quite busy and unable to spend time on myself and my wellbeing. We can see this impact on my physical health. I have been feeling sick for weeks on end, I feel much weaker, and my skin feels and looks musty. It's interesting that this is the norm for college students as well as working adults. Although we get the results we wished upon, it is at the expense of our health as a whole. If we forget about mental health as a topic, the rest of us still exerts so much energy. I understand that hard work brings results, but if hard work means losing your sense of self, is it really worth it? 

I see so many adults going through such brutal and embarrassing midlife crises, and they never get the necessary help. Is this the future I should be looking forward to? They wasted their life looking to be the best, and all of a sudden, during this crisis, they pull a 180. They try to accomplish all of the side quests they possibly can and pursue hidden goals. I would hate to be someone who only yearns for success, but as it turns out, that is who I am now. I put aside nourishment, self care, and friendships for the sake of a good grade. Now that I have gotten my grades, what do I do now? What shall I look forward to? All of those people who say "it's worth it in the end" always complain of not having made memories, and now I get so anxious to make said memories that I forget to enjoy what I have in the moment. I have become nostalgic for memories that have not yet been made. I am turning into the adult I fear to be. I want to be able to live my life to my standards while also being able to achieve perfect success. Unfortunately, to find the balance means to have lived a thousand lives searching for the perfect routine. I cannot afford to do that.

As simple humans, we try to enjoy what we can, but as creatures who yearn for success, we throw all of that aside and turn into worker bees. We "enjoy" the hive mind until we become "successful enough". I don't want to wait to enjoy my life at 50. I don't want to wait to enjoy my life right now. I should be enjoying it, but my brain has become exhausted. I love what I do, but I fear I have overworked myself to the limit, and unfortunately, my advisor agrees. Was yearning to be so great worth it if this is how I feel in the end?